Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
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