last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
