even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
