I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
