dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
