Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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