I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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