I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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