Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
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