So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
