The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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