Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Randomize
