Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
