That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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