i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
