I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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