just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
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