Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
