i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Randomize
