i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
