Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I need moral support for this bender
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
