So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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