i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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