rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
