I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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