The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I'm sobbing to NWA
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
