You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
She told me I should be a condom model.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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