why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
