Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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