It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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