I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
