I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
