the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
