the condom got lost in my hair
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Randomize
