i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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