Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Randomize
