Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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