Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
