In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
