You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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