Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Randomize
