paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Are we still banned from the library?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Randomize
