I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
