She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
I can text with my tongue
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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