i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Randomize
