Already got asked if we're dating
I wish I could teleport
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
