Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
