I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
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