i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
