it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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